My time is not my time

My time is not my time, it’s borrowed.   I borrow time from my mother and from my dog.  It’s not important, it can be disturbed, interrupted and it can end unpredictably without rhyme or reason.  I can start something having said I’m going to do just that, and 98% of the times my time is disrupted.  I feel it’s almost a lack of respect and consideration on the part of the animal and the mother.  And yet… they don’t seem to notice this, they don’t give it importance.  It irritates me so much, I just can’t tell you.  It is only when I’m in the shower that my time is my time, and I get to think and pamper myself.  For at bedtime I need to spend time to nurture my dog, who sleeps with me, and then... it is finally, my time.  And I cherish that time so much that I can’t fall asleep, for I need to make use of this precious time.  When I come to think of it, my time has seldom been my time during my long 67 year old life.  Solitude is something I yearn for; I thirst for, a time to reflect, to finish a thought.  Like, right now, I’m writing this at one of those rare times when I have not been interrupted.  But, let me tell you dear people, that I had to go down three times to accommodate their needs and make sure they understood that it was my time to pay bills and that they needed to fend  for themselves.  Then, as I finished the bills, the thought of my time came to me.  Time is so precious, and I know I will later long for these interruptions.  Somewhere in time when I’m by myself and I find peace and solace in the quietness of my thoughts, without disturbance, without irritations, without having to get up and tend to someone else’s needs.

Last visit to Wake Forest

Tuesday 18 September

yesterday Roberto and Florence took 'Sela to Wake Forest to what, we hoped, was the last visit.  She wore no bandages, for the foot looked healed and dry, no oozing, and the spot where the tissue was taken for the graft, was bandage free!  So, the day dawned gray and windy, and then it started to pour.  Roberto came and we got things moving, got the wheel chair in the car, pillows, etc...  And off they went at about 11:30 am.  I did not go because I've started a heavy schedule this year, and had new students coming in.  At 1:30 pm I called and they had arrived safe and sound, with Florence's instructions.  At about 2:20pm Florence called to ask me if I had other questions for the surgeon, and I mentioned the use of Mederma for the scars.  So at 5pm they arrived, under sunny skies this time, and here's what they had to say:

That the foot is all healed, but the pain she feels is because the tissue underneath needs more time.  That she needs to walk as much as she can, toe to heal, heal to toe, to stretch the new tissue, that she can put Neosporin on it.  The thigh burns are healed, the tissue is still dark pink, but smooth.  She can put Vaseline or any cream she wants to keep it from drying up. The scar from the tissue for the graft is also all right, but it will take time for that tissue to go back to its normal color.  So, all in all, things are finally coming together and the healing is almost done.  She can go back for a 6 month appointment if needed.  Oh, no Mederma, a waste of money, Dr. Craig said.

Thank you for all your prayers and concern.  Today, we get Loreen, a Social Worker to stay with Sela, while I have a 2 to 7pm schedule this afternoon.  I need to 'put up' the dog, I'm told, while she's here.  I guess Otto will have to sit in class with me, oh dear.  The nurse comes back Wednesday to see her one more time.  We will miss the nurse Crystal and the 'bather' Pam, and her constant challenges with 'Sela.  Let's see what she has in store for the social services aide.

Here are some photos of what her foot looks at this date:

Foot

Tissue for graft

Right thigh

Left thigh

Out with Sela again!

On Friday 4^th October we went out to do some errands for the first time since Sela’s accident.  It was fun having her in the car fiddling with her purse contents and the mirror.  She finally saw a tiny bridge that was installed in our neighborhood near the pond at the Club House.  As leaves are beginning to turn, she admired the bits of color on the very top of the many trees we have around Charlotte, maples as usual are turning first.  We went to BJ’s to buy bread –some Portuguese buns that are very similar to our pan de agua.  We then had a bite to eat sitting in the car so that I wouldn’t need to take out the wheelchair again from the trunk, and then we went to the ATM for some deposits and cash to buy a lottery ticket. 

This was a good start to her first outing with me, I think.  She came out of the car by herself and used  her walker to the chair lift, while I brought stuff up to the kitchen.  

It is now October 8^th.  Yesterday my parents would have been married 68 years.  It was a nice day as Michael and Anna came for lunch bringing a rotisserie chicken.  We had it with a salad, for Michael is off carbohydrates, having lost 23 pounds after reaching 204 pounds in weigh.  He looks back to normal now, and his ‘belly’ has disappeared, thank God.  He installed something in my computer to make it go faster but it took longer than he expected.  So, they were here for a good three or four hours, and we had time to catch up and share.   This morning we finished up installing it while he told me what to do through the IM.  Technology is just amazing.

One thing I need to get off my chest is this.  Sela has had a hearing problem for some time now.  About 4 years ago we got a hearing aid for the right ear, with a promise to get the second one, should she get used to the first one.  Time has passed, and her hearing has deteriorated, and we have no money to buy the second one at $14 hundred dollars –Medicare does not cover this.  It is nothing major but very aggravating for both.  For her, because she often smiles and looks away because she can hear or understand the words without looking directly at one’s mouth; and for me because I have to repeat things 3 or 4 times.  The second time I do, it comes out more or less at a pleasant tone, but on the third and fourth, I’m already screaming and upset.  

I know, I know, I have a short fuse, I should consider her impairment, be kind, compassionate and all that… but at the precise moment these controls are not in my panel, not at all.  And, I get so aggravated and impatient.  I saw a hearing aid at a reasonable price and got it, for her left ear.  One can re-charge it and it is quite small although not as small as the other one.  The thing is that it gathers all noises and it bothers her a lot.  Noises like Otto’s barking, the garbage disposal, etc…  But, I make her wear it at the lowest possible volume setting, so that we can carry on a conversation without aggravations.  I feel really bad, and I see the same happens with the kids and with Roberto and Vikki. 

The lottery ticket did not win this Saturday –the hope of the poor.  Oh well… one never knows.  Tomorrow we go to Sela’s doctor because she still has pain on her arms and buttocks from her fall.  I’ve given her the strong Ibuprofen hoping that it will calm it a bit.  She came up with the idea of taking it at 3 or 4 in the morning, so that it would be easier for her to get up.  So, I gave her some little fruit in syrup to take with it so her stomach would not suffer, and heard the spoon hitting the little glass bowl, around 3:30am.  At breakfast she said it was better and, why where we going to the doctor?  The day is grey the temperature at 58^o degrees.  Lots of leaves on the ground, and now part of the bare yard is covered with a small fuzz of light green after the seeds were spread last week.  Thank God for the storm Sunday morning and today there’s a promise of rain again.  So, drink up little blades of grass and grow!!!!

Back to normal?

It's been almost a month since I last wrote about Sela's progress.  Taking care of her is easier now that she no longer needs to have dressings for her wounds, bed baths and such. The site on her foot is looking well, the ones on her thighs are still deep pink but the skin is smooth.  Social Services has provided us with an aid who comes twice a week for two hours.  The first time she came, we were totally impressed with her ability to find and do things with such ease.  It's amazing how Sela and Loreena understand each other quite nicely.  Not being very attractive, she compensates with much compassion and readiness.  When I told SS that I wanted her back, the coordinator was taken aback and put her on our schedule immediately.  I guess others have rejected Loreena, but they don't know the kindness and willingness to help behind that unappealing face.

Two weeks ago Sela had a fall next to her bed.  She fell flat on her bottom and hit her head against a small table.  Ever since, she's had a terrible pain on her bottom and left arm.  We've tried Lidocaine patches and heat, but the pain persists.  I went to our doctor for my own 'ailings' and she said there's nothing much that can be done for this... The SS coordinator, who's a registered nurse, told her to take Arthritis strength Tylenol, and that seems to help her.

Yesterday the Sears repair man was here to fix/replace the garbage disposal and as Loreena was here too doing some house chores, Sela decided to go out on the sun room and lay on the sofa, all by herself.  I was tutoring but had come down to attend to the service man and found her there with a horrible headache.  I have often spoken to her about her choices and the consequences, and she just looks at me like I'm talking about someone else.  Since she had taken the Tylenol a short while before that I gave her some caffeine and asked Loreena to sit with her.  As soon as I came back upstairs, she asked Loreena to continue with what she was doing, that she did not need anyone watching her.  "Oh, no, Mrs. Gomez, your daughter told me to sit here and watch you and this is what I'm going to do."  So after a while, she took Sela back to her bedroom and made her lie down.  Eventually, the headache went away, Loreena left and so did the service man with $300 in Sears' pockets for a new garbage disposal.  Thank God for credit cards!

I must add that the last time the aid was here she had her hair done and it looked quite good on her.