What I have right now.

 

February 24, 2021.

I read this today: Remember when you wanted what you have right now!  That grounded me, right there and each time I read it. The anxiety, the frustration, the insanity of waiting without answers. And then, life surprises you in the most amazing way. I got what I wanted: a place for myself, where I feel secure and have peace, solace and silence. So each time I feel down, I will come back to my desk, where I’ve glued that simple sentence, and try to get centered one more time.

After the impeachment trial this second time, I’ve felt really low and disappointed. And then, I just can’t get past my son’s rejection, it’s an ongoing murmur in my mind. I am not worthy of his love, admiration, attention. It makes me feel so insignificant. I find myself more often than not, staring into empty spaces, into a darkness in my mind. An empty hollow hole, a vacuum that threatens to suck me in and swallow me forever. I feel drawn in, tempted to step into the void and finally into oblivion.

There’s another thing that affects me, and it is such a horrible feeling, I’m ashamed of even expressing it. Other people’s happiness bothers me, it irritates me; it makes me sick. There, that’s exactly how it feels. Isn’t it awful? I should rejoice with their joy, but my words seem void of feeling and sincerity. I feel it when I say or write them in a text or email. My own unhappiness makes me want others to join me in my misery, to be bitter, to hurt inside.

I can’t even stand happy stories in books, articles or movies. I need violence, drama, death; all to match my horrible existence. On the characters I see or read about, I find myself; I feel a congeniality with each one, no matter how terrible they are. And each day, this horrible feeling grows bigger and bigger, both outside myself and inside. I try to look around and see my nice apartment, the memories in each piece of furniture, each photo or painting. It does give me pleasure, but it’s like a superficial kind of gratification which cannot combat the other ugly feeling.

Will I snap out of it once I start socializing with people, family, my few friends? Or will I succumb and fall into the darkness, regretful, alone and so very sad.